THINK ABOUT IT

I have been going through a time of trial and testing.  Count it all joy…I am on the other side!  Our Papa is an awesome God and I wanted to share what He has done.

Most of you have heard that old story about the person walking down the street who falls in a hole and works so hard to get out, only to go down the same street again and again and keeps falling in the same hole. The person in the story is me. That’s my story. I keep falling in the same hole. This time I got out pretty quickly because this time I wasn't struggling by myself.  I was not alone.

 

Thank you, with hugs and kisses, to all my sisters in Christ for your prayers and support. 

I tend to go down the same road again and again. My road has me believing I am in control, that I can fix everyone and everything.  I brought this belief before my ladies' fellowship group, Glory Girls, seeking confirmation for my current I-can-fix-everything-and-everyone project.  My sisters set me straight pretty fast...WRONG! Then the Holy Spirit held up His mirror of truth in front of my face and said, “yes, Princess…you’re the problem.  You’re in denial.  All you can fix is you.”  But how, Lord?   

I had recently been to Celebrate Recovery to hear and support my dear sister, Lisa, as she gave her testimony.  While I was there, I gathered information for my project.  Of course I read all the materials to make sure this would fit into my plan.  I knew Celebrate Recovery was the Godly version of a 12 step program for alcohol and drug recovery.  I did not know it was open to any and all those trying to overcome any trial…grief, divorce, over eating, codependency, abuse.  It can also be for the healing of an entire family as they try to recover from various trials. I found out Celebrate Recovery had been around for a long time and originated at Rick Warren’s (author of Purpose Driven Life) church in California. 

My denial is typical of codependent behavior, making Celebrate Recovery a good fit for me.  I told the Glory Girls I planned to attend Celebrate Recovery for help and asked for their prayers.  "Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous man (or woman) is powerful and effective." James 5:16.  My healing began.

Glory Girl, Kaaren, said she and her husband also planned to attend Celebrate Recovery.  Now I wouldn’t have to make this step alone...thank you Lord.  Having Kaaren and Richard with me has helped, a lot.  

Everyone at Celebrate Recovery quickly went from being strangers to family by being honest, open, friendly, loving God and loving others.  Celebrate’s program is based on the beatitudes of Christ.  My small group is all women, codependents like me.  I learn a lot by listening and sharing in my group. I’ve been going to Celebrate Recovery for a month now.

 

This step has helped me realize that I was trying to control my future.  I thought if I could just put all the right words together, I was going to save everyone from, what I felt certain was going to be, a disaster.  I was full to overflowing with fear. That fear took me right back to all my old feelings from my past and my past was a mess…abandonment, betrayal, sexual molestation, divorce, rebellion, unforgivness, bitterness, and regret upon regret. I was projecting all my feelings from the past onto my present life. 

 

Needless to say, that made the present not very pleasant for me or my poor husband.  That's what made the present so crazy, because my present is good. Even with our troubles and my mom’s cancer, everyone is doing well.  Our family is safe and secure and my mom is feeling better than she has in years.  I am married to my best friend.  We are good.  Together we love God, one another, our family and our life.  Mike is a strong man of God.  We are blessed to lead a bible study together at our church and we are loving the fellowship we have with our church family.  We are blessed.

 

God surrounded me with wise counsel from several Godly friends who have walked some of the same paths I'm currently on.  They helped me see I had to let go of anything that was not "me." They lovingly helped me past the guilty feelings I was having about my inability to fix everyone and everything, reminding me to "let go and let God." 

 

Did you know there are more than four lines to the Serenity Prayer?  Here is the entire prayer by Reinhold Niebuhr:

 

Prayer for Serenity



 God, grant me the serenity

to accept the things I cannot change,

the courage to change the things I can,

and the wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time,

enjoying one moment at a time;

accepting the hardships as a pathway to peace;

taking as Jesus did,

this sinful world as it is,

not as I would have it;

trusting that You will make all things right

if I surrender to Your will;

so that I may be reasonably happy in this life

and supremely happy with You forever in the next.

Amen

 



After one especially hard "counseling session," more commonly known as "lunch," with my friend Kat, I left the cafe for a little retail therapy.  I found myself in a cute shop full of beautiful plaques, painting, posters, bookmarks, magnets..all with words of wisdom. In the last room, I fell in love. All four walls were covered, floor to ceiling, with this incredible art.  Every piece spoke to me.  I wanted to take it all home but after checking my wallet, I settled on a journal. 

The cover art on my journal is a mixture of painting, decoupage, pretty papers and fabric. In typeface was printed the word "fearless." The inside page says, "embrace the journey."  I was overcome with emotion and had to leave the room before I lost it.  I had to give a lot of thought as to why this art was speaking so loudly to me.  Later I realized, the words on each piece of the art in that room were affirmations of God's love.  It took my breath away, I was so overwhelmed.  The name of the store...Angels with Attitude!  No kidding!  Don't you love it when God wraps you in His arms and reminds you just how much He loves you? 

After getting my feet planted in the present; realizing my fears were the driving force; I then asked a prayer warrior, Lisa, to intercede for me.  I knew I still needed help sorting through a bunch of my emotional garbage.  Mike knew I was struggling, but at that point I believed another woman could better handle the emotions and feelings I was dealing with, without getting overwhelmed.  He understood and offered his loving support to help in any way he could. 

With Lisa's help I acknowledged I had someone in my life I needed to forgive.  I made the choice to forgive this person and with God's help I will continue to walk in forgivness.  Letting my unforgivness go has helped me in other areas. I did not realize I was also holding onto bitterness and resentment toward those who had already forgiven this person.  My false belief:  they were taking sides against me.  No...they were walking in truth, God's truth on forgivness:  "If we confess our sins (unforgivness) he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness."  1 John 1:9. I do feel purified and it feels good!  Bitterness and resentment are released, gone.  Forgivness frees the prisoner, and the prisoner was me!

I also found the source of my fear.  I was looking way down the road, into a future that was yet to come.  I saw danger signs, based on past experiences, believing that in the future Mike and I would be torn apart by our troubles.  My fear...loosing my relationship with Mike. 

 

My worries about tomorrow resurrected my feelings from my past, destroying my blessings for today. God used my entire trial to demonstrate how my worries, fears and feelings were all tied together in one lie. My feelings were true enough in my past but had nothing to do with today. And tomorrow?  "'...do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself.  Each day has enough trouble of its own.'" Matthew 6:34. 

 

 I told Mike about the lies I was believing and the truth God had given me.  Mike's understanding and love are a part of my present, my here and now.  That is huge for me considering my past. Me being me, made it really hard to admit to Mike, my sisters in Christ and my new family at Celebrate Recovery that I had a problem and I needed help.  

God is walking with me as I take the lessons I've learned from this trial into a time of practical application in my daily life.  I have prayed for years for the Lord to show me...me! To show me what is my part in the miscommunications and arguments I find myself a part of. He seems to be answering this prayer daily.  It's like my daily bread is being served on a mirrored platter, reflecting the true me.  

 

I acknowledged to God I have a lot of bad habits and 66 years of nasty behavior to overcome.  I asked the Lord to help me by giving me awareness in that moment when what I'm about to say will not be the loving thing to say.  As I wrote "help me, Lord" in my journal, a piece of paper fell from the back of my journal onto the floor.  I finished writing the full sentence, then picked up the piece of paper. It was a note, in my handwriting, from months ago. It was something I wanted to keep, but had totally forgotten about.  It said:  Before you speak...think! 

                                                                      T - is it true? 

                                                                      H - is it helpful?

                                                                       I - is it inspiring?

                                                                      N - is it necessary?

                                                                      K - is it kind?

God's timing is perfect. I love you Lord.  "They cried to you and were saved; in you they trusted and were not disappointed." Psalm 22:5. 

The person in the story who keeps going down the same street, falling in the same hole; at the end of that story, that person finally goes down a different street.  Keep me in your prayers.  Pray that person is me!