The study notes spoke about how God used those forty years to prepare the Israelites for the Promised Land, then added: "your spiritual pilgrimage may be lengthy and you may face pain, discouragement and difficulties. But remember that God isn't just trying to keep you alive. He wants to prepare you to live in service and devotion to him."
As a cancer survivor those words went straight to my heart, reminding me I was alive by the grace of God for His purpose. I believed the Holy Spirit was telling me to open my heart to receive God's expressed purpose for my life during this study.
The weeks went by and after each video, each teaching, each chapter; still no purpose. The Friday morning before the final lesson I was getting ready for work, listening to my favorite Christian radio program, The Journey with Tom Dooley. In his teaching, Tom mentioned "the wilderness," "time in the wilderness." Even the commercial for Christian counseling spoke of help for people with "wilderness struggles." The words from Deuteronomy came to my mind about the forty years in the wilderness.
Oh my gosh! I was 58 years old. Forty years before I was 18 years old, a first semester freshman at Texas Wesleyan College in Fort Worth while my family was stationed in Massachusetts, 2,000 miles away. I was on my own, which, for me, was very spooky.
During that semester, the Lord spoke to me very clearly on several occasions saying, "come to me."
I won't go into all the excuses I had for not seeking the Lord then, such as: I don't have a car...or...come where?...do what? Let's not forget I was living on the campus of a religious sponsored college. The truth: I didn't think it was a "cool" thing to do and I wanted to be "cool."
Instead, I chose my own path leading to a twenty year marriage that ended in divorce. Everyone seemed to get along very well and I was the only one hurting. I wanted God to rain fire and brimstone down according to my judgement. I became very angry and bitter at God. While I had grown up in the church, my trinity became nicotine, alcohol and men. I decided: if there's no such thing as sin, where's the party? I spent another ten years in full rebellion.
But the party doesn't last forever and, like the woman at the well, I was in need of living water. Mike and I found each other about this time and started down a new path together. We've been through a lot with five major surgeries between us in a six year span. Through it all we knew the Lord was with us.
At first I tried to fit God into my image of who I thought He should be...the word according to Catherine. Then He led us to a Spirit filled church where we found Godly fellowship, teaching and healing. I now have a personal relationship with Jesus Christ, my Lord and Savior, and I know that throughout my forty years in the wilderness God was shaping me for today.
On that Friday morning, getting ready for work, I pray again, "Father God, what is my purpose? How am I to serve you?"
God said, "You're doing it. Forty years ago I said, 'come to me' and you have. You're here."
P.S. My youngest daughter went on staff with Campus Crusade for Christ after graduating from college. She ministered to college students for five years with Crusade. She raised her own support and I was proud to be on her team. When she left Crusade I ask her to recommend another Crusader I could support. My only requirement: someone who knocks on dorm doors looking for those God is calling, "come to me."
